The Final B-Word...

Here is the final B-Word! If I would have known how transparent and hard this series would be to navigate, I would have CONTINUED to write it! There is power in vulnerability and honesty with our brother's and sister's in Christ. This topic has been and at moments can be a struggle. It is something that crosses our minds regularly. It is a fear that holds us back from being who we are and being bold in the Lord. It is a dark pit that makes us feel no glimmer of hope and no one will understand. It is a constant Q&A in our minds that pushes us away from others and further into a fluorescent room with mirrors all around in deafening silence. And no matter how much you cry, yell, pinch, starve... you are still unhappy. It is BODY-IMAGE.

Let me say this louder for the people in the back: body image. That is right, you are not alone. In a materialistic and surface level society, we are an instantaneous gratification generation. Mouth-full, I know. What do I mean when I write this? Let's think about social media: we stalk, creep other people's profiles to look at how cute they are, what they are doing with their lives, and whether or not you want to follow them back based upon what they post. Let me go on: when you are in a coffee shop and in walks some beautiful creature and then the thoughts that captivate your mind are ones that make YOU QUESTION WHO YOU ARE!? "A boy/gal like that would never date me," "she is so much prettier, thinner, and active than me," "wow, he is so buff and I am not," and here's the most common one: "I wish I were them, life is so easier looking like that." LIES. SCREAM IT OUT LOUD: THESE ARE LIES.

You are a beautiful creation. YOU ARE! God did not mold you in His image to compare you to one another. We are to motivate, encourage, uplift, and affirm one another in Christ, not tear each other down... especially yourself. Stop bullying yourself. Stop wishing you were someone else with a different body, a different face, different life situations, and your essential frame. You are wasting time--exactly what the enemy wants, right?

I have been there. Yeah, I struggle with body image. Overwhelming thoughts of "I wish.." and "I hate my body." There were moments that I felt like I would bruise myself from pinching and pinching what I wanted gone. There were moments where I would eat and then hate myself for indulging in something that was not healthy. I punished my body with exercise, while bullying what I looked like as I did this. "You are not good enough. If you were skinnier this would be easier. If you were prettier, you could do anything. If you lose weight, people will like you." This track of darkness was on repeat in my head with each mile I ran, each rep I did at the gym, with each pinch of excess fat...

Believe it or not, the crazy thing is even though people noticed I had lost weight, I was still obsessed with what I looked like. I wanted people to notice. I wanted to please people, and when no one noticed, I felt like it was something I had to mention. It was an obsession about what I looked like. I got noticed, people called me beautiful—but I felt so alone. My thoughts were selfish. I would stare at pictures of myself. I would create side-by-sides like they were assignments. I was obsessed and made my body my idol. Once I achieved the body I wanted, it still was not enough.

After a year had passed, my obsession grew smaller. I went into college and felt the pursuit of Jesus. In this mutual pursuit, I slowly found out what healthy exercise looked like. I took care of myself. One Saturday, I had a coffee with my mentor, and I realized the detriments of eating disorders. As for me, in the midst of obsessing over myself and how others viewed me, I pushed my sister and my mentor away. They were noticing certain things I was saying and doing, like pinching my stomach and when asked I blatantly stated the truth:

Leah: "I want it gone. I am fat."

Mentor, "Leah, that is not right."

I got super aggravated and mad at people who tried to check my heart and hold me accountable. I thought they were jealous and out to get me, so I withdrew into myself even more.

Over this Saturday coffee date, my mentor and I reflected on the past year. That is when the realization arose… along with many tears. I had an eating disorder, and my mindset never really restored. I thought it was normal to calorie count because that is what most women in society do. I thought it was normal to constantly regret eating cake because everywhere we look, there are new diet fads. I thought it was normal to compare myself to every woman who walked by. I thought it was normal to be hungry and constantly angry with others around. I realized I had not been walking in boldness, light, and confidence in who I was in Jesus.

I write this to YOU. The one struggling with looking in the mirror without hating. The one who counts every calorie on your plate. The one who rummages through your closet and cannot find anything to wear because your body has changed. To the one who begins a marathon of hate upon your physique or how those pants fit you. The one who hides beneath baggy clothes because you are ashamed of a little cellulite. And to the one who has an unhealthy relationship with eating and exercise.

I am not negating exercise in any way nor not advocating weight loss. I am all for you. If you want to feel more confident, healthier, and enjoy the natural foods the Lord has given us, go for it! It all stems from the heart. I just encourage you to check your heart and lean into community in the process.

Jesus delights in you. Having a relationship with you. Not what you look like. Not what's on the scale or what size you wear. He is for your heart. Here Jesus is preaching the Sermon on the Mount:

"19 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there you heart will be also. 22 The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy, you whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness! 24 No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." (Matthew 6: 19-24)

Look deeper. Who are you serving? Yourself? Your body? Social media posts? What are your eyes letting into your heart? Comparison? Where are your treasures stored: what boys/girls think of you? What you look like at the gym? Whether or not your selfie gets enough likes? Guard you heart, sisters and brothers!

Jesus continues to state:

"25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink or about you body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them... 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:25-26, 31-32).

*I encourage you to pull this scripture out and read it, highlight it, copy it down and hang it on your wall. Keep reading too, because in chapter 7 Jesus talks about judging... and that means yourself too*

Worry. That is the root of it. The overwhelming statements of "I wish.." or the questions of "what if..." Jesus tells us word for word that we should not worry about food, fashion, or what other's think of us, but what our Heavenly Father thinks of us. The answer is that we are to first seek His kingdom!!

Leah, I am too far gone. There is too much damage. I am unredeemable. LIES LIES LIES. I thought I was too, but one day, many prayers, and heart checks helped me have a better love for taking care of myself. I encourage you to write out the lies you believe about yourself, and then sift it through God's word. We saw what Jesus says about what we eat, drink, and wear. God's word is so rich in providing wisdom, love, and understanding in areas of life we question: body image.

There are SO MANY Great, touching, and beautiful verses about who we are in God. I encourage you to take these lists of lies and surrender them to God in prayer. This is NOT once and done, but rather, daily. Moment by moment. Love yourself for who you were created to be. Not someone else.

You are a gem. You are a daughter of our LORD JESUS CHRIST. You are a son of our LORD JESUS CHRIST. Surrender this worry about what you look like, wear, and eat. Surrender those toxic thoughts, and may your mind be in constant prayer of enabling to walk in truth and the identity God created you to have. Replace your B-words. Turn your body-image into boldness. Turn it into beauty. Turn it into believing in yourself. Because, after all, you are beloved.

“3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3: 3-4)

Here is great scripture I studied when struggling (and homegirl, sometimes I still do, but these words are solid and TRUTH):

Matthew 15: 16-20

Matthew 7: 1-6

1 Peter 3: 3-4

Psalm 139

Jeremiah 1:5

ALSO, I am currently reading “Get Out of Your Head” by Jennie Allen. You should totally check it out as we navigate the heart, mind, and how to surrender fully to the Lord in taking all thoughts captive!

I hope to hear from you! You are bold and inspiring to me, everyday! Your story matters too! If you have any questions or need to chat, leave information below, reach out, or get plugged in with a local church and seek mentorship.

Bestest,

Leah